Thoughtless Jerks (Poor Planners): constantly inconvenience others by overlooking or ignoring their own needs. They never seem to be able to organize or carry out plans. They are always running late, forgetting their wallets, losing their passports, or running out of gas. Thoughtless Jerks are astonishingly careless, and oftentimes accident prone, as they possess little forethought. Contents Contract Saboteurs (Agreement Breakers): negotiate plans and duties with no intention of carrying them out. They rarely keep promises. They always have a roster of excuses and flimsy irrelevant justifications. Contract Saboteurs are the Rolls Royces of passive-aggressives, and are totally infuriating to others. Contents Mal-Contents (Complainers): like to start statements with, “Ain’t it awful...” They find fault with absolutely everything and everyone. They have indeed pitched a tent at Camp Gloom. In fact, if things look right, something must be wrong. Eternally anguished, these people are real morale stompers. They make you want to take them out and shoot them just to put them out of your misery. Contents
Self-Flagellants (Martyrs): wallow in taking the blame for everything bad that happens—to themselves and to others. They pretend to suffer silently (but not really, because they want everyone to know they are miserable), or they mumble feeble explanations for the bad luck circulating. Many are not Self-Flagellants at all, but poorly disguised Flattery Gluttons fishing for reassurance. They are real hard to stomach. If you hang around one on purpose, you may be a closet Self-Flagellant.Contents Spoilers (Fault Finders): live on the edge of If Only Land. Nothing is ever good enough—almost but not quite. They are usually very critical and start up with a string of compliments, only to end it with a bomb. Spoilers are compulsive perfectionists. These people easily generate contempt in others. No one wants to be around them. They have been known to commit suicide, fortunately for us.Contents Doomsday Machines (Fatalists): “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.” This quote is a favorite with a Doomsday Machine. They always feel a need to inform others of the possible dismal consequences of their actions. They rush in to warn, caution, reprimand and threaten you. When you hear, “Don’t run so fast, you’ll break your neck,” or, “Don’t you know that stuff will kill you?” or, “The world sucks and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” you’re listening to a Doomsday Machine. Imminent danger, illness, and death are lurking around every corner, just waiting to target you for your lack of foresight. Mothers, doctors, dieticians, and ex-lovers make good Doomsday Machines. They are the direct progeny of Guardian Angels and Mal-Contents. Never listen to one, you’ll worry yourself to death.Contents Posi-Trons (Positive Thinkers): are people who insist on living the delusion of perpetually “thinking positively” and spend a great deal of time trying to cram it down your throat. It is so automatic for them to spontaneously burst out with things like, “Now, now, it can't be all that bad,” “Don’t be such a gloomy-gus,” or “Cheer up, tomorrow will be a brighter day,” that they seem mindlessly programmed. Posi-Trons need something rotten to happen to them...just once. Contents Faith Healers (cousin of Posi-Tron): insist that your illness is all in your head. If you'll just “do some affirmations,” you'll get well in no time. They believe there is a cure in complete resignation and helplessness, if you’ll put your faith in a power greater than yourself. One thing about Faith Healers, they always seem to have something wrong with them, but are unquestionably exempt from their own mystic bilge. Faith Healers can turn the wobbliest, meekest arthritic into a raving homicidal maniac. This is a miracle, as it often works.Contents Self-Aggrandizers (Braggarts): continuously make up fantastic and extraordinary stories about themselves. They go on and on about their money, accomplishments, intelligence, and talents until you just want to retch. Sometimes they revert from claims of exceptional qualities, to stories of infamy or personal suffering. They have also been observed using phony foreign accents. These creeps are real bores at best, at worst it may take all of your personal fortitude to keep from laughing in their faces. Contents Supreme Court Judges (Labelers): “Who died and made you judge?” is a question that comes to mind when one encounters a Supreme Court Judge, but in reality no one has to die; Supreme Court Judges are self-appointed. They delight and seem to subsist on classifying, analyzing, and labeling others. ( Uh oh...check the mirror, Lily...nah...) They usually have inadequate facts to work with, as their judgements are oftentimes inferred from a handful of isolated incidences. Shrinks, teachers, and preachers frequently fall into this category.Contents Kreskins (Mind Readers): like to tell you what you think, especially in the heat of a nasty argument. They are certain they know what you are thinking, even though they have never asked you; they don’t need to. They can be easily tortured with on-the-spot requests for a demonstration of their admirable talent. Kreskins are somewhat arrogant and a bit paranoid—all the more fun to torment. Contents Social Bullies (Verbal Abusers): get their satisfaction from humiliating and intimidating others in public. Verbal abuse, ranging from sarcasm to outright brutality, is not only a well-honed past-time, but it is apparently a compulsion quelled only by the misery inspired in their victims. They are often observed harassing waitresses, pestering employees, and tormenting sales clerks. Social Bullies have little dicks or little brains; for some, there may be no difference. Contents Emotional Snipers (furtive cousin of Social Bully): are real sneaky, underhanded verbal abusers. These people will smile while they disembowel you. The hurt is intentional, and carefully aimed at your weakest points. Emotional Snipers often say cruel things, following them with a contrived laugh and a “...just kidding!” finale. They think this is OK, and accuse you of being oversensitive and humorless when you become offended. This is intended to make you look like some kind of emotionally disturbed wimp. Justifiably, Emotional Snipers are eventually exposed for what they are. They often have contracts taken out on them. Contents Over-Doers (Go-Getters): pretend that too much isn’t. They keep piling on chores, responsibilities, and duties, and consequently nothing whatsoever gets finished. These people are real pissers—they seem to be so willing and helpful, and can actually make you believe that they are capable. They oftentimes accept tasks that are beyond their competency. Over-Doers make you hate yourself for trusting in their false self-confidence. Contents Know-No-Evils (Ostriches): go through life with a vacuum cleaner bag on their heads and Mr. Coffee filters on their ears. They totally miss or intentionally ignore what goes on around them. These people are easy to spot during involved family “discussions.” They either pretend they don’t know what’s going on, they walk away from the scene, or they even change the subject. They seldom defend themselves effectively, and if cornered may even grovel and beg for forgiveness. Doormats and Wimps are the more severe forms of Know-No-Evils. Usually they behave this way out of an idealistic view of life, or downright fear. Being around them can make you queasy, and the urge to slap them is hard to resist. Contents Flattery Gluttons (Reassurance Seekers): list all of their faults, expecting the listener to disagree—or pray that they will. They can’t accept positive responses, as they will minimalize compliments. Criticism just makes them run themselves down even more. In desperation, they will sometimes resort to flattering the listener in hopes of extracting compliments. Flattery Gluttons are real buttheads and can make you feel pinned in and controlled. Contents Placaters (Agreeables): are opportunistic two-faced phonies whose opinions are conveniently formed and revised based on the opinions of the listener. They will agree with one person, then have exactly the opposite views minutes later with another person. They will always tell you what you want to hear. No one ever knows where they stand, because they seem to pull off the illusion of being in two places at once. These bozos usually become politicians or social workers. Contents Agitators (Disagreeables): purposefully disagree or refute anything anyone says on any subject, just to get a rise out of them. They enjoy aggravating others and don’t really care if they are right. These people are the balloon-poppers of life. Agitators love to say, “That won’t work,” or “You can't do that.” They apparently delight in turmoil and discord, but often act bewildered when nobody likes them. Audience hecklers and in-laws are usually Agitators. “Whatever it is, I’m against it,” was coined by an Agitator. Contents Doc Lamas (Authority Worshippers): “...but my doctor said...” is a key phrase of a Doc Lama. Or they could quote their attorney, priest, spouse, boss, or teacher. It doesn’t matter—Doc Lamas never question authority. Anyone with more letters after than in his name and wearing a uniform or suit is the Last Word on whatever. Doc Lamas change their opinions and values so fast, they often get brain rashes. Contents Gull-A-Bulls (Pliables): will believe damned near anything, from the ideals of a superior race to crystal facials. The more outlandish or unfeasible, the more they are attracted to it. They live through the ideals of others, and may even take on the personality of an admired leader. Gull-a-Bulls get so caught up in the belief for the belief’s sake, they may make a special effort to suppress logic and reason. Some have become Nazis or Hari-Krishnas. Most of them serve as truly fine entertainment, and advertisers worship them. Contents Bromeliads (Clinging Vines): Somehow it’s almost believable what Bromeliads claim: They can’t live without you. Your friendship, your undivided attention, your inextricable involvement, your undying love—these are needs to a Bromeliad. Their simple desires mutate into some Godawful craving. They live, drink, and breath you. You are their only reason for existence, their lives revolve around you and everything you do, think, feel, and want. Bromeliads always suffocate their “host” with their obsession. It’s real hard to transplant a Bromeliad, but they can be pruned—slowly, laboriously and with great care taken to sever the right arteries. As a final treatment, drip irrigate with mean little remarks and ignore until Spring. Contents Dudley-Do-Rights (cousin of Bromeliad): “I don’t care, darling. I’ll like whatever you choose. Anything for you, whatever your little heart desires, whatever you say.” These are the regurgitations of a Dudley-do-Right (related to Bromeliads but with a touch of passive-aggressive or wimp behavior). Dudley-do-Rights never initiate anything, but wait for your suggestions, and go with them. This can be boring as well as disgusting, as you will most certainly lose respect for them as living beings. They are often condescending and call you by gooey, degrading pet names instead of your real name. Dudley-do-Rights think they are nice people and often indulge in reminding you of this fact (this is close to self-aggrandizing, if not the actual item). As you may have noticed, Dudley-do-Rights can be a confusing hodge-podge of crummy personality types—kind of like Sybil on beta-blockers. Contents No-Opinions (Dullards): are so concerned with being amiable that they never seem to have their own ideas about anything at all. They are afraid to rock the boat, rattle the cage, or yank the chain. They often substitute “uh huh” and “oh yeah” for intelligent comments of any substance. A conversation with one might include several “I don’t know, what do you think?” responses. You ask if they’ve read, seen, or heard something, they reply: “Yeah! What did you think of it?” Be willing to gamble they haven’t read, seen, or heard anything at all, but will slyly blunder on through this one-sided discussion until you tell them all about it. No-Opinions are a real drag and make you wish they would just evaporate like good little amoebas. Contents Mediterranean Merchants (Cheap Skates): will never lend you anything—even if your life depends on it—but they’ll give you a real good price on it. “New, it would cost three times as much!” they will bellow. Just because the Mediterranean Merchant never uses the damned thing and it has been rotting in his/her garage for fourteen years, doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value to him/her. Contents Guardian Angels (Meddlers): actually believe with all their heart and good intentions that they were put on this planet to fix other people’s screwed-up lives. They will uncannily single you out as needing them, their advice, their know-how, and their assistance. They know better than you what you want, what you should want, what you need, what you should feel and under what circumstances, what you should do and when, and where you should do it. They get mad when you protest their interference or refuse to honor their Supreme Selves. Everyone has one or more Guardian Angels. Can Guardian Angels be killed? Contents Moochers (Chronic Borrowers): “It always seems that there is too much month left at the end of the money,” is a Moocher's lament, no matter how short the month or how huge the wind-fall. They incessantly borrow your money, books, garden tools, food, or car, and forget to bring them back or replace them. They will only buy things for themselves when yours have either run out, run down, or just plain died. You never get to use your things until they need replacing or the warranty has expired. Moochers are real financial and emotional liabilities and should be lied to as often as possible. “It’s broken,” or “It’s in the shop,”or “I lent it to so-en-so in another state,” and “It was stolen last night,” are the only defenses against Moochers. Contents Diet Illusionists (Perpetual Dieters): are always on a diet of some sort...or at least claim to be. Every time you see a Diet Illusionist, he/she will tell you all about the diet, what’s allowed, what’s not, and how much better he/she feels and looks, even though you can’t see a difference. He/she will go on to say, “...but this is my day off...” and commence to Hoover up two dozen brownies while interjecting, “I shouldn’t be eating this.” between each jowl-full. The Diet Illusionist is fooling no one. Contents Animal Dictators (Controllers): are usually mild-mannered mail carrier/accountant types, until they get around their pets—then they transform into a tyrannical beast that revels in controlling and reprimanding animals. Dogs are favorite subjects, as cats just won’t put up with that kind of crap. The Animal Dictator derives some sort of hideous pleasure from making pets obey endless strings of commands. They always do this when friends visit: Their favorite demonstration is making Rover teeter a milkbone on his snout until permission is given to devour it. These pitiful pets secretly despise their masters, and sometimes have the imagination to sneak off and shit in the stereo headphones. Contents Patriotic Middle-Wingers (Red-Neck Moderates): I know what you’re thinking (No, I'm not a Kreskin): “What the hell is a middle-winger?” Well, in fruit flies it’s a genetic mutation...and that definition will probably suffice without much elaboration. Patriotic middle-wingers love their country (rite or rong), own lots of guns “cuz it sez we can in the Constitooshun,” have a Bible on every doily, talk about war a lot, believe in the death penalty or flogging, and keep the Schlitz Brewery in the black. Patriotic middle-wingers’ parents are usually related. Patriotic middle-wingers are vociferous and like to be on national TV. Contents Helpless Users (Emotional Dependents): always require help, advice, or a place to live. Getting others to do them infinite little favors is a signature trait. They secretly believe someone else is responsible for their well-being, success, and happiness. They are exceedingly difficult to please and may become Mal-Contents. Another identifying trait is that they never put out anything in return. They can become a burden to anyone soft-hearted enough to get sucked in. These people can interfere in your every breath and slowly leach out your life essence. Contents Blamers (cousin of Spoiler): always blame everyone else for their own screw-ups. “Someone stole my...” and “Nobody can do anything right!” are usual complaints. Blamers usually are inept, but can’t and won’t admit it.Contents Absolutizers (Closed-Minded Boobs): engage in very rigid, unyielding thinking. All morals and convictions are rote learned, with no thought given to validity. They live in an amorphous fog of half-informed convictions based on random impressions and unexamined assumptions. Questioning the foundations for their strong assertions or introduction of new or different evidence causes them much internal discomfort. Born-agains fall into this slot.Contents Pseudo-Spocks (Logicians): strut through life imagining they are the only ones who can think in a logical manner. They almost always suppress or deny the emotional side of their humaness, as emotions are (erroneously) perceived as destructive to logical thought. Pseudo-Spocks repeatedly use phrases like, “That’s not logical,” or “Illogical!” or even ”That does not compute.” A Pseudo-Spock’s vocabulary seems severely limited as these phrases are often used as speech “fillers.” Actually, their vocabulary is good, it’s their ability to explain themselves that is suffering. Contents Cliché Stylists (Bores): so frequently use clichés in their speech, you wonder if they ever have an original thought in their teeny-weeny minds. Clichés are handy, always available, always get the point across and roll right off the tongue without effort. It may be that last “no effort, non-thinking” property that is so annoying. Who wants to converse with an automaton? Oh well, if I can’t say something nice, I’d better keep my mouth shut. Contents Correlators (Coincidence Seekers): find unusual and improbable relationships between completely unrelated things or events. They arrive at absurd conclusions based on highly biased observations and measurements. It works for them because they refuse to count the times or recognize the conditions under which things do not coincide. Correlators are cousins to a mate between Know-No-Evils and Self-Aggrandizers. They are usually extremely proud of their findings and often boast of superior insight, supernatural powers, or divine intervention. Astrologists, the religiously astounded, and unscrupulous scientists are often Correlators. Contents Mommy Dearests (Frustrated Nurturers): are those that keep and treat small animals as their own children. They like to talk baby talk to their pets; their pets “dine” (sometimes at the table)—they do not just eat. Mommy Dearests are often seen kissing and carrying the child objects around as if these animals had polio and couldn’t walk. They will never have any real children, as their biological clocks stopped ticking the second FiFi submitted to wearing a doggie sweater and bonnet. Contents Gender Biggots (Chauvinists): hate the opposite sex, sometimes secretly, sometimes not. They usually go out of their way to run down the complimentary sex in public, especially when the complimentary sex is within earshot. Verbal attacks are most commonly disguised as rude gender-bashing jokes. Gender biggots are closely related to Social Bullies and Emotional Snipers. They see their behavior as OK—“...it's just a joke” after all. If only they would tell similar jokes about their own gender, but they never do. Ever—this clearly identifies them as Gender Biggots. Gender Biggots adamantly deny being homosexual, and the more they protest an inquiry into their orientation, the more one wonders whether chickens or large house-dogs are a possibility.... Contents I Witnesses (Babblers): No matter what the subject you may be discussing with them or even with another person, the conversation will always be diverted back to the I Witness. It’s most likely to revolve around them, their job, their new car, their kids, or other subjects no one really gives a flying fig about. I Witnesses drone on endlessly, almost as if post-hypnotically cued to recite a verbal résumé. Real obnoxious I Witnesses may even pretend to know about things that they don’t, or have some amazing news to tell that nobody else has ever heard. In this, they resemble Self-Aggrandizers, but are far less imaginative and entertaining. Contents Gonad Brains (Sexually Preoccupied): are people who interrupt your every utterance with double-entendre sexual references and innuendos. They expect you to titter and applaud them for their cleverness. It is cute at first, but can become unbelievably annoying when the Gonad Brain doesn’t know when to quit. This habit is especially obnoxious when encountered in absolute strangers, such as used car salesmen, hair dressers, or gynecologists. Contents Sexual Conquistadors (Scalp Collectors): persist in describing in graphic detail all of the frenzied specifics of their sexual encounters. This is usually performed in mixed company and most likely will take place in a quiet, tasteful restaurant. The Sexual Conquistador will order several drinks and become loud and physically demonstrative, interjecting crude hand gestures, facial contortions, and animal-like cries. Sexual Conquistadors are usually impotent or frigid with partners, but commonly cum in their chairs when telling these wild lies. Contents Social-Norm Violators (Weirdos): intentionally invite controversy by seriously transgressing social convention. This may include manner of dress, haircut or hair color, bathing frequency (or rather, infrequency), table manners, voice or portable music decibel level, distasteful conversational topics, and excessive use of profanity or slang. They need to be offensive. Most Social Norm Violators act in their eccentric ways as an excuse to slip into being Social Bullies. Contents Silent Killers (Demoralizers): go through their lives as if you don’t exist, or don’t have a right to. They “forget” to give you messages or your mail. They use your things without asking. They come into your room or house without announcing themselves. They run noisy appliances and heavy machinery at unusual hours. They clutter up your space with their stuff. When in a group, they will refer to you in the third person, talking about you as if you are not present. A cross between Thoughtless Jerks and Social Bullies, Silent Killers are covertly aggressive through apparent thoughtlessness. When told how adversely they affect those around them, they will flatly deny any wrong-doing, apologize, and crank up the gain on their negative behaviors. Contents Catch-22-ists (cousin of Supreme Court Judge): just know you are guilty. They love to place you in a double-bind situation: “If you drink, you must be an alcoholic.” If you don't drink, and deny that you do, “You are concealing the fact that you are an alcoholic,” “When did you stop beating your wife?” is a perfect example of how a Catch-22-ist can set you up. You’re dammed if you don’t, and dammed if you say you don’t. There’s just no way to come out looking innocent. Might as well kill ’em. Contents Fantasy Islanders (cousin of Know-No-Evil): are on permanent reality vacation. They are idealists extraodinaire. Their most obvious quirk is their ability to change history. They don’t just wish, think, and talk about the way things should be, but rearrange reality in their muddled minds to fit into their preconceived ideas. “Mom loved me best,” or “He never beat me, he was just clumsy when he was tired,” or “That's not fat, it’s all muscle,” or even “It didn't happen that way at all!” are statements that flag a Fantasy Islander. They can be self-aggrandizing, but change bad things into good for their own emotional comfort or to protect others from harsh reality, rather than inflate or embellish the truth for their own glory. Unfortunately, many of these people are news reporters or history textbook authors. Contents Critical Massers (cousin of Gull-a-Bull and Absolutizer): will illogically adhere for dear life to unrealistic fallacies. They will often exclaim, “So many people believe it, it just must be true!” Critical Massers require little if any evidence for their beliefs, and will often exhibit hostility when presented with irrefutable evidence contrary to their convictions. They are unable to accept verified proof and often seem mentally incapable of understanding why anyone would want to challenge what is already accepted dogma to the masses. Contents Insta-Experts (Know-it-Alls): will read one article or book, or take one course on a subject, and become instant authorities on the subject. They may even be so audacious as to tell real experts all about the experts’ field, constantly spewing out memorized facts and distributing advice. New psychology majors and “health nuts” are especially susceptible to becoming Insta-Experts. This personality flaw may be contagious and research is currently under way to find a vaccine. Contents
1. Give it all—take it all away—then give just a little piece back. Make your victim thank you for your kindness and generosity. 2. When evaluating your victim’s work, no matter how good the job comes out, always find something wrong with it. Make sure it’s the first thing you say about it, and label it “constructive criticism.” Make sure to point out that the reason for it being not good enough is because of your victim’s personal short-comings and weaknesses. 3. When your victim buys something and shows it to you proudly, tell your victim that he/she could have gotten it cheaper at another place, or that you just threw one away just like it last week. 4. Call your victim names and belittle him/her in front of your victim’s colleagues, friends, or customers. 5. Tell your victim you love him/her and care for your him/her, then do everything that your victim hates. Get your victim to confess his/her vulnerabilities and weaknesses, and use it as ammunition against him/her. Push all the buttons, and when your victim complains or tells you he/she feels betrayed or abused, tell your victim you’re only doing it because you care so much and have to point out what is wrong with his/her behavior. 6. Tell your victim how much love and friendship means to you, then abandon your victim in his/her time of need. Insist that your victim’s feelings are invalid. Tell your victim that the reason for his/her feelings and behavior must be due to some illness or emotional problem. 7. If you have two lovers, explain to each of them that you have perfected the art of loving more than one at a time, and can give equal time to each of them. Then make sure you withdraw to your other friend, proving that you don’t know what you’re talking about. Defer to your other friend, at your victim’s expense. Insist that you hate being manipulated by your other friend, but continue to allow it to affect your victim. Do as little as possible to rectify the situation. 8. Misrepresent yourself, and when your victim calls you on it, blame it all on your victim. Be affectionate, admiring, generous, attentive, and caring—everything your victim wants, then cut your victim off and insist it is your victim who has changed. Use character assassination and blame, targeting things that your victim has no control to change or that has been obviously evident from the start. Dump your victim in an indignant huff, refusing to forgive your victim for being who he/she is. 9. Disagree with your victim and challenge everything your victim says, especially if you don’t know what you’re talking about. Argue every point, then complain that you hate to argue, but you just have to make your victim see his/her own stupidity. 10. Act as if your mission on Earth is to change the way your victim thinks, feels ,or acts. 11. Spend vast amounts of money on your victim, then constantly remind your victim of how you had to go without so that your victim could have everything. Make sure your victim knows how much everything costs. Pretend to be broke, then buy your victim an exorbitant gift. Top it off by complaining how hard it is to pay the bills each month. 12. Berate everyone who has the same faults that your victim is trying so hard to overcome. (If your victim is trying to lose weight, point out “that out of control pig over there.”) Make sure you finish with, “...but you aren’t that bad.” 13. Justify and excuse all of your own ill-mannered, self-serving behavior by stating that, “I only did it because I love you.” Use gifts as a license to act even worse. Insist what a gem you are, and that your victim could never find someone who loves them as much as you do. 14. Lie and confabulate regarding your feelings, goals, and philosophy to gain approval and admiration. If you think it’s what your victim wants to hear—say it, even if you contradict yourself next week. 15. Make your actions inconsistent with your words. Make poetic declarations of love, then act as if you despise your victim. Deny ever saying you loved him/her. Accuse your victim of mistaking you for someone else. Repeat process weekly. 16. Become a sexual neurotic: refuse to keep the lights on during lovemaking anymore, saying that you never really liked it, even when you were the one who first suggested it. Insist on engaging in unusual sexual activities, and if your victim refuses, threaten to go to someone else who doesn’t have your victim’s hang-ups. Interrupt intercourse by looking at your watch and exclaiming, “Oh god, I was supposed to meet so-en-so a half hour ago!” then withdraw and leave. Repeat weekly. Criticize your victim’s performance or looks. Make it seem like this was the last time you would ever have had sex. Demand sex when your victim is sick, in pain, busy at some critical task, or exhausted. Throw tantrums when your victim refuses your advances. 17. Accuse your victim of being or doing something of which you yourself are guilty. Suggest ways for your victim to solve his/her problems, or insist that you will have nothing to do with him/her until he/she seeks help. 18. Point out to your victim that absolutely all of your victim’s problems are his/her fault and that your victim is into self-sabotage. Explain, however, that your problems are different and the causes are usually outside your control. Psychoanalyze, explaining why your victim does these things to him-/herself. Act as an expert on the secrets of the Universe and that you know your victim better than your victim knows him-/herself. Tell your victim you know what’s wrong with him/her and how he/she should correct it. 19. Take over any project in which your victim is engaged. If your victim is just learning a new skill, say and do things to make your victim feel more incompetent. Deny your victim the satisfaction of doing and successfully completing his/her task. Always leave your victim wondering if he/she could have done it alone—insure that your victim can’t, then accuse your victim of being dependent and needy. 20. Assign an unfamiliar task with inadequate instructions. When the task fails, attack your victim’s self-esteem and verbally humiliate your victim. Finish the job for your victim. Act as if your skills were obtained through divine intervention and that you never require long, precise instructions of procedure, but your victim always does. 21. Forget everything your victim tells you about him-/herself. Treat your victim as if he/she is someone else, with someone else’s likes, dislikes, and philosophy. Claim that you know what your victim likes. 22. Ask your victim to do favors for you when he/she is engrossed in a project. Impose and interfere in your victim’s plans. 23. Plan activities that will force your victim to make an unreasonable time investment. Involve and entangle your victim in everything you do, until your victim has no time left for his/her own projects. Transform your victim into a satellite, revolving around your interests and projects. Constantly remind your victim of how important he/she is in your life, and that you wouldn’t know what you’d do without him/her. 24. Make your victim dependent on you financially, emotionally, sexually, and socially. Define who your victim is and what your victim should feel. Control your victim with the fear of losing you. 25. Demand your victim’s love, time, attention, respect, humor, tolerance, and forgiveness—but offer none of these in return. Act as if these things are owed to you, and you have a birthright to them, but at your victim’s expense. Insist on sacrifice after sacrifice as proof of your victim’s love and devotion. 26. Lend or give your victim money, then constantly make remarks about how frivolous your victim is in his/her spending and how your victim lacks control. Tell your victim that everything he/she has, your victim really doesn’t need, and if it weren’t for you rescuing him/her, he/she would be out in the street. 27. Compliment others who have less talent or intelligence than your victim, in front of your victim. Never compliment your victim, but always praise others with less to offer than your victim. 28. Instruct your victim on running every aspect of his/her personal life. Offer unending, unsolicited advice, especially on subjects of which you have little, if any, knowledge. Be sure to use, “You should...” and “Why don’t you...” with every breath. Show your victim a better way to do everything. 29. Tell your victim’s friends what your victim said about them in confidence. 30. Give your victim things, then take them back when your victim doesn’t act the way that you want. Insist that you only lent these things, or that you know someone else who would appreciate them more than your victim. 31. Deliberately sabotage your victim’s weight loss plans. Take your victim to an expensive, fattening restaurant, then in the middle of dinner or after, complain about how fat your victim is. Demand that your victim remain on his/her diet, especially when the menu contains no allowable foods. Bring your victim’s favorite forbidden food home and eat it in front of him/her, offering a bite occasionally. When at dinner parties, tell all your victim’s friends how hard it is for your victim to diet, and if it weren’t for your careful supervision, he/she would inflate like a rubber raft. Act as if you are totally responsible for any success your victim may achieve. 32. Accuse your victim of laziness and an inability to budget his/her time. Demand an agenda for your victim’s daily activities. Interrogate your victim as to where he/she has been and with whom. Insist that your victim has all the time in the world, but wastes it doing unimportant things. 33. Break dates with your victim to be with your other friend. Make sure your victim knows how wonderful your other friend is, and that there’s just no comparison. Promise to make it up to your victim, then when the time comes, beg out again in favor of your other friend. 34. Constantly speak of your victim in the third person while your victim is present. Explain to others how your victim feels, what your victim thinks, or what your victim knows or doesn’t know. (“She doesn't know what you’re talking about,” etc.) Communicate with your victim indirectly by using someone else as a translator, i.e., “Ask her if she....” 35. Invite all others in your victim’s presence to join you in some recreational activity, but absentmindedly exclude your victim. 36. Never thank your victim directly for anything your victim gives you or does for you, but make sure to shower thanks and appreciation on all others, in your victim’s presence. 37. Be a martyr. Complain what a pain something is, but you’ll do it for your victim. Remind your victim of how you never wanted to do it. 38. Establish a territorialism that infringes on your victim’s “space.” Leave your belongings in places that will create great inconvenience for him/her. Move your stuff into your victim’s work area, and make sure its presence will interfere in his/her ongoing work project. 39. Insist that your victim accept something from you that you both know will be hard for you to sacrifice, then act totally appalled when your victim accepts it. Accuse your victim of being selfish, greedy, and thoughtless.