- …Regard other humans as exploitable
resources, rather than as treasures.
- …Have “associates” and
“contacts,” rather than friends.
- …Regard as friends only those
from whom you can profit in some way.
- …“Network” rather than
socialize for the pure joy of another’s company.
- …Assess another’s worth by
what they can do for you or give you, rather than for their warmth,
integrity, and ethics.
- …Have no life-long friendships,
but continually collect “friends,” discarding them
when they no longer serve or amuse you.
- …Think it’s a good day when
someone else loses to you and your wants.
- …Can’t feel good about yourself
unless you profit in some way.
- …Call people you know only when
you want something.
- …Won’t patronize businesses
that won’t let you leave a stack of your business cards
on their premises.
- …Think there is such a thing as
a “bad hair day,” and have ever called in sick because
of it.
- …Think going to the mall is a
significant form of recreation.
- …Have never watched a documentary
TV show or read something for the pure joy of learning something
new, because it does not directly serve to increase your revenue.
- …Think “pedantic” and
“pretentious” subjects like quantum physics, space
exploration, poetry, fine art, dynamical systems theory, Shakespeare,
and anthropology are useless wastes of time.
- …Keep a mental—or even written—accounting
of favors done and favors due. You especially consider favors
done for others as “money in the bank,” to be collected
at some future time of your choosing.
- …Charge interest for loans to
family and friends, but expect to borrow interest-free.
- …Think that friends with special
skills must provide their services to you without charge, because
“we’re friends, after all.” You, however, charge
for your services—it is, for Godsakes, your profession.
When contested, you offer up bromides like: “Of course we’re
friends! But if I gave away my services to everyone who considered
themselves my friend, I’d be bankrupt!”
- …Have ever bleated the phrase,
“What are friends for?” when asking or giving a favor.
- …Believe you should always come
first and receive special consideration because “we are
friends.”
- …Believe everything has a price.
- …Have ever scapegoated another—especially
someone of greater skill—for errors you’ve made at
your job.
- …Have ever taken credit for someone
else’s work or ideas.
- …Volunteer or do good deeds only
if they are highly visible and public. You broadcast your good
deeds, and have never volunteered or donated anything in complete
privacy or anonymity.
- …Are well into your thirties and
still blame your parents for how fucked-up you are.
- …Married to escape poverty.
- …Suck up to your parents/in-laws
to stay in the will.
- …Routinely return or exchange
gifts.
- …Will purchase only brand-name
products.
- …Are unable to fathom that the
universe extends beyond your own skin.
- …Hire someone to do everything.
You have a maid, personal trainer, image consultant, gardener,
therapist, and personal shopper.
- …Believe your fondest dream is
to get your home featured in San Diego Home & Garden Magazine.
- …The first thing you notice about
someone is who designed their clothes.
- …Are dependent on others’
opinions for your personal choices and are mortified when you
have to make a decision alone.
- …Have ever asked someone if it’s
hot or cold, instead of relying on your own sensations.
- …Love to boast that you are a
registered Republican.
- …Insist that your stock portfolio
is your favorite reading material.
- …Have ever paid more than $50
for a bottle of wine, or more than $100 for a pair of shoes.
- …Are always involved in some kind
of cause to assuage your suspicion that you may be self-absorbed
and narcissistic.
- …Believe that narcissism is not
a psychological problem; it’s a value-system.
- …Have ever complemented anyone
insincerely.
- …Have ever had a pet “put
to sleep” because its existence was inconvenient.
- …Own an SUV that sports a bumper
sticker that reads, “The one who dies with the most toys,
wins!”
- …Have ever had your appearance
surgically altered, and you were not deformed or injured.
- …Think you are a “nice”
or “good” person simply because you compliment others,
even if you don’t mean it.
- …Have ever told lies about another
to make yourself look good.
- …Have ever given a gift to or
thrown a party for someone you didn’t like, knowing that
doing so was sure to win you their favor and possible benefits
in the future.
- …Frequently manipulate others
through insinuation, threat, embarrassment, shame, lies, or other
emotional coercion.
- …Have never said, “I love
you” to anyone—ever. You have lamented that you suspect
there is no such thing as love.
- …When someone dies, the first
thought that occurs to you is that the jerk owes you money. Then
you wonder if you’re in the will….
- …Believe that kissing ass and
groveling is more important—and will get you more—than
merit or competence.
- …The only game you’ll play
is the Zero Sum Game—someone wins; someone loses.
- …Believe you are entitled because
you are special, beautiful, rich, or some other meaningless value.
- …Are incapable of understanding
the concept of reciprocity, and think only of what you can get
from others, not what you have to trade for the value you want.
- …Think Machiavelli is a wise personnel
management instructor from Italy.
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