- …Regard other humans as exploitable resources,
rather than as treasures.
- …Have “associates” and “contacts,”
rather than friends.
- …Regard as friends only those from whom
you can profit in some way.
- …“Network” rather than socialize
for the pure joy of another’s company.
- …Assess another’s worth by what
they can do for you or give you, rather than for their warmth, integrity,
and ethics.
- …Have no life-long friendships, but continually
collect “friends,” discarding them when they no longer serve
or amuse you.
- …Think it’s a good day when someone
else loses to you and your wants.
- …Can’t feel good about yourself
unless you profit in some way.
- …Call people you know only when you want
something.
- …Won’t patronize businesses that
won’t let you leave a stack of your business cards on their premises.
- …Think there is such a thing as a “bad
hair day,” and have ever called in sick because of it.
- …Think going to the mall is a significant
form of recreation.
- …Have never watched a documentary TV
show or read something for the pure joy of learning something new,
because it does not directly serve to increase your revenue.
- …Think “pedantic” and “pretentious”
subjects like quantum physics, space exploration, poetry, fine art,
dynamical systems theory, Shakespeare, and anthropology are useless
wastes of time.
- …Keep a mental—or even written—accounting
of favors done and favors due. You especially consider favors done
for others as “money in the bank,” to be collected at some
future time of your choosing.
- …Charge interest for loans to family
and friends, but expect to borrow interest-free.
- …Think that friends with special skills
must provide their services to you without charge, because “we’re
friends, after all.” You, however, charge for your services—it
is, for Godsakes, your profession. When contested, you offer up bromides
like: “Of course we’re friends! But if I gave away my services
to everyone who considered themselves my friend, I’d be bankrupt!”
- …Have ever bleated the phrase, “What
are friends for?” when asking or giving a favor.
- …Believe you should always come first
and receive special consideration because “we are friends.”
- …Believe everything has a price.
- …Have ever scapegoated another—especially
someone of greater skill—for errors you’ve made at your
job.
- …Have ever taken credit for someone else’s
work or ideas.
- …Volunteer or do good deeds only if they
are highly visible and public. You broadcast your good deeds, and
have never volunteered or donated anything in complete privacy or
anonymity.
- …Are well into your thirties and still
blame your parents for how fucked-up you are.
- …Married to escape poverty.
- …Suck up to your parents/in-laws to stay
in the will.
- …Routinely return or exchange gifts.
- …Will purchase only brand-name products.
- …Are unable to fathom that the universe
extends beyond your own skin.
- …Hire someone to do everything. You have
a maid, personal trainer, image consultant, gardener, therapist, and
personal shopper.
- …Believe your fondest dream is to get
your home featured in San Diego Home & Garden Magazine.
- …The first thing you notice about someone
is who designed their clothes.
- …Are dependent on others’ opinions
for your personal choices and are mortified when you have to make
a decision alone.
- …Have ever asked someone if it’s
hot or cold, instead of relying on your own sensations.
- …Love to boast that you are a registered
Republican.
- …Insist that your stock portfolio is
your favorite reading material.
- …Have ever paid more than $50 for a bottle
of wine, or more than $100 for a pair of shoes.
- …Are always involved in some kind of
cause to assuage your suspicion that you may be self-absorbed and
narcissistic.
- …Believe that narcissism is not a psychological
problem; it’s a value-system.
- …Have ever complemented anyone insincerely.
- …Have ever had a pet “put to sleep”
because its existence was inconvenient.
- …Own an SUV that sports a bumper sticker
that reads, “The one who dies with the most toys, wins!”
- …Have ever had your appearance surgically
altered, and you were not deformed or injured.
- …Think you are a “nice” or
“good” person simply because you compliment others, even
if you don’t mean it.
- …Have ever told lies about another to
make yourself look good.
- …Have ever given a gift to or thrown
a party for someone you didn’t like, knowing that doing so was
sure to win you their favor and possible benefits in the future.
- …Frequently manipulate others through
insinuation, threat, embarrassment, shame, lies, or other emotional
coercion.
- …Have never said, “I love you”
to anyone—ever. You have lamented that you suspect there is no
such thing as love.
- …When someone dies, the first thought
that occurs to you is that the jerk owes you money. Then you wonder
if you’re in the will….
- …Believe that kissing ass and groveling
is more important—and will get you more—than merit or competence.
- …The only game you’ll play is the
Zero Sum Game—someone wins; someone loses.
- …Believe you are entitled because you
are special, beautiful, rich, or some other meaningless value.
- …Are incapable of understanding the concept
of reciprocity, and think only of what you can get from others, not
what you have to trade for the value you want.
- …Think Machiavelli is a wise personnel
management instructor from Italy.
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