Disability Means Changed Potentials
More than for any other sector of the
population, turning to writing is a natural process for the disabled.
Science-fiction writers Theodore Sturgeon,
L. Ron Hubbard, and Robert Heinlein turned to writing as a result
of their disabilities. Today, their work is treasured by readers
around the world.
My own adjustment to life-altering disability has been facilitated
with writing. I was once an athletic professional mid-east dancer
as well as a nutritionist in my own business. Arthritis of the
spine and kidney disease cut my careers short and threatened
to destroy my sense of self-worth. Writing extracted me from
despair and depression brought on by chronic pain and physical
limitations, and enabled me to create a very satisfying avocation
that promises to be as financially rewarding as it is intellectually
stimulating. Writing rescued me from feelings of worthlessness
and alienation, helped me overcome fear and that horrible sense
of loss, and allowed me to prosper in new-found potentials.
Though my physical problems continue,
I now have something in my life that will allow me to work around
my physical limitations: writing.
A Downward Spiral
Disability may make us see things in
extremes. Our likes and dislikes become polarized—strongly
oriented towards opposite poles. Disability can generate feelings
of despair and hopelessness. It can make us feel that we are
not only unable to care for and support ourselves—that we
are a burden to others—it can make us feel that we have
nothing to contribute. We may feel defeated, worthless. What’s
the point in living?
It is natural that disability may bring about thoughts of suicide.
This is something we all have to work through. We must be able
to progress to the stage of accepting our limitations, and go
beyond it to the realization that our potentials have been altered,
not eliminated.
You are not
your disability. It is also
true that you are not your job, your appearance, your mobility.
You are more than any of these things, though these things may
be a part of how you perceive yourself.
Disability necessarily arouses a great
sense of loss, and fear of change. You may feel that you’ve
lost everything that defines who you are. Who are you without
your career, your looks, your self-direction?
Loss engages us in a grieving process
we must all endure. When we get past this stage, we often become
fearful of what the future may hold. Disability often means we
must live what we consider sub-standard existences, filled not
only with the daily realization that we have lost our ability
to earn our own way, but the fear that nothing will ever improve
in our lives. This is it; we’re stuck. Negative internal
dialog convinces us our lives are over, and limits our options.
Friends and family may even be so insensitive as to confirm these
feelings through thoughtless and offhanded remarks.
Others may avoid us. They do this not
only because we aren’t who we used to be, but because we
are a reminder of the unpredictability of the universe. “If
this can happen to you, it can happen to me.” It’s
too hard to face the reality of randomness. This is their
problem—not yours. You still have you. People
will come and go in our lives, but we will always have ourselves.
You are a person with skills, talents,
and ideas that are uniquely yours. While it may be true that
you may not be able to use your skills to earn a living or even
care for yourself, it is not true that your skills and knowledge
are worthless.
We must pass on our wisdom to others
and succeeding generations. This is how human intelligence functions.
Humanity does not progress without information exchange. This
fact is at the root of human civilization.
The Importance of Self-Esteem
Who Are You? What is a Self?
Before birth a self does not exist. The
evolution of the human being progresses from an undifferentiated
part of mother in the womb, to individuation and autonomy as
an adult. The self is the complete emergence and separation from
another, the formation of an “I” through physical and
psychological boundaries. The self is a continually evolving
creation, an unfolding of potentials and possibilities that takes
a lifetime and can never be considered “finished.”
Self-esteem is the foundation of the
personality, a fundamental essence that supports everything about
us. Self-esteem is a relationship with the “I,” an
assertion to consciousness—a consciousness not only of the
external world, but of the true inner self. Self-esteem is to
think independently, living through our own perceptions and evaluations
of how the world is, and how we fit in it. Self-esteem is acting
from our own convictions, knowing what we know and feeling what
we feel, with full acknowledgment of our needs and desires, and
what causes us pain, fear, and anger.
Self-esteem is built on two principles:
self-acceptance and self-concept. Self-acceptance is basic, primitive
and shared by most other living things. It is unconditional and
is required before self-esteem can develop. Self-acceptance is
not a denial of a need for change, improvement, or evolution—it
is simply a recognition that we are.
Our self-concept develops from self-acceptance.
Self-concept encompasses our beliefs, convictions, concerns,
everything we like about ourselves, everything we don’t
like, our capabilities, skills, talents, as well as our limitations.
From self-concept grows self-esteem. Self-esteem means accepting
ourselves in all of our many facets, without resorting to self-repudiation,
self-oppression, or deception of ourselves or others.
Nothing is more important to our core
of existence than what we think of ourselves. People will come
and people will go, but we will always have a relationship with
ourselves. To quote an often-heard truth: No matter where you
go, there you are.
Everything we feel, think, and do is influenced by how we evaluate
ourselves, and affects how we relate to others and with whom
we have relationships.
Self-esteem is a fundamental sense of
efficacy and worthiness, and is evidenced in competence, self-reliance,
and self-assurance. It is trusting our minds to make correct
decisions and life-affirming choices. It is an orientation towards
the self, not only for self-preservation, but for self-furtherance—progress
towards goals. People with low self-esteem do not progress: They
stagnate. It takes self-esteem to change, progress towards goals.
As a happy consequence, progression towards goals builds yet
more self-esteem.
To have self-esteem is to be committed
to our right to exist, to know that our bodies, our minds, and
our feelings do not belong to others and that we are not here
to live up to others’ expectations.
Self-esteem begins with psychological
visibility. As infants and children, we need feedback—an
adult mirroring us back to ourselves; we need to know that we
exist, to know that we matter. As children, others must perceive
our value so that we may continue to value ourselves as autonomous
adults.
Self-esteem is not a constant—it is not experienced with
a consistent intensity at all times. Self-esteem fluctuates,
and is a matter of degree—it is not an either/or proposition.
There is high self-esteem and there is low self-esteem, and many
gradations in-between. We can increase self-esteem; we cannot
get self-esteem. Getting self-esteem implies that there was a
total absence of it and the void can be infused with some kind
of self-esteem substance. The only kind of person that has absolutely
no self-esteem is a cadaver.
Healthy Self-Esteem
Having self-esteem means honoring our
potentials, embracing the discovery and exploration of all that
is uniquely us. People with high self-regard seek out stimulation
through challenge. Though high self-esteem does not guarantee
success and happiness, it does guarantee that these will be pursued
with enthusiasm.
Self-esteem is not based on external
success and failures; it is internal. Though appreciated, people
with high self-esteem do not require approval, understanding,
or positive reinforcement from others.
Having high self-esteem does not make
us immune to uncertainty, despair, or anxiety—it simply
makes it easier to tolerate and handle them.
People with high self-esteem seek out
high self-esteem in others. They do not fear competency or uniqueness
in others, and are excited with the challenges of another complex
and self-actualized personality.
ruth and honesty build self-esteem. We
must not be prevented from recognizing facts as facts; facts
cannot cease to be facts if we choose not to acknowledge them.
Convictions and values are developed from facts as we collect
them throughout our lives. The integration of our convictions,
values, and beliefs is known as integrity. When our philosophies
and our actions coincide, we maintain integrity. Integrity is
an absolute prerequisite for self-esteem.
We all judge and are judged by some standard
based on facts; we cannot be exempt from a value system. Failure
to meet standards creates great anxiety in us, and makes us suffer
through loss of integrity. High self-esteem allows—even
insists on—satisfying standards and maintaining integrity,
but only if we are in total harmony with those standards. When
we are not in agreement with the standards, but feel pressured
to accept and live by them, we are at risk of betraying ourselves
and displeasing those who impose the standards.
Betrayal of our values, standards, and
convictions leads to evasion and denial of the self, a surrender
of one’s values to the values of another. At the same time,
pressure to comply to another’s standards may intensify,
producing anger and resentment towards others for the imposition.
This creates a split that is felt as guilt. Self-esteem means
refusing to accept unwarranted guilt, and striving to correct
earned guilt—if this is not accomplished with all speed,
a degradation in self-esteem results.
Low Self-Esteem
Poor self-esteem is a feeling of being
inappropriate to life—of being all wrong.
Self-alienation—absence of self—is
at the root of all human misery. Feelings of detachment, of not
belonging are a manifestation of decreased consciousness, a consciousness
deliberately shattered by attacks aimed directly at our sense
of self-worth. Denunciation of the self comes from others as
well as from within ourselves.
The lower the self-esteem, the more likely
disappointments will be regarded as sure evidence of worthlessness.
Low self-esteem generates more low self-esteem—it feeds
on itself. People so afflicted find existence frightening and
overwhelming, and are unable to meet the challenges and trials
of daily life, becoming defeated and paralyzed by them rather
than energized to solve the problems.
People with low self-esteem seek safety
in the familiar and undemanding. They are sleepwalking through
their existences; they are extras in their own lives, instead
of the stars.
People with low self-esteem show a disparity between what they
profess to feel and their overt actions. “No, I’m not
nervous,” he says as he jerks his arm to the side, smashing
a lamp to the floor.
Nervousness and discomfort in the company
of others is indicative of low self-esteem, as if there were
something loathsome inside that must be caged, hidden, controlled.
Unwarranted tension conveys an internal split, a self-denial
or disowning of the self.
People with low self-esteem operate in
a diffused consciousness; they are unfocused, their minds leaping
from one incomplete phrase to another, idea to unfinished idea,
leaving a wasteland of unconnected thoughts and abstractions
for those around them to wade through and somehow correlate.
People with low self-esteem are ruled by fear—of themselves
as well as others. This is because of conflicts between a value
imperative and a belief in their own inadequacy. Must/should
thinking collides with fantasies, wishes, and desires that contradict
the imperative.
People with low self-esteem are especially
attracted to others with low self-esteem. They frequently avoid
those with high regard for themselves, labeling them arrogant
and conceited.
For people with low self-worth, thinking is often used as an
excuse for inaction—it is evasive rather than constructive.
Isolation, though often necessary in the healing process, is
sought as a refuge from the self, an evasion and denial of possibilities.
False Self-Esteem: What Self-Esteem
is Not
Self-esteem is not our image; it is not
a function of how others perceive us.
- False Self-Esteem: “I am confident I can do this.” When
our self-worth is wrapped up in how we perform, we are seeking
approval from others, rather than regard from ourselves.
- True Self-Esteem: “I trust myself to make life-affirming
choices.” This applies to all areas of our existence, not
just a job or task that must be done properly using particular
skills.
Self-esteem does not mean feeling superior
to others. Those with high self-esteem are not pretentious; pretentiousness
is a disguise for deficiency. High self-esteem is not comparative
or competitive, and is certainly not self-glorification at the
expense of others. Self-esteem does not mean diminishing others
to elevate the self. Overestimating abilities, arrogance, boastfulness,
and conceit are disguises for low self-esteem and are meant to
conceal self-doubt.
Self-esteem is not the same as
pride. High self-esteem says, “I am worthy of life.”
Pride says, “I have” or “I am.”
False self-esteem is a façade
adopted by those who see themselves as failures. Self-worth is
generated through duty, altruism, stoic endurance, wealth, and
sexual prowess. It serves to diminish anxiety, but inspires rationalization
and denial of feelings, ideas, and memories that could unfavorably
affect self-appraisal. People with false self-esteem are habitually
brilliant in one part of their lives, and abysmally stupid in
other parts—the parts they feel most defensive about. False
self-esteem obliges one to achieve to avoid pain. Such people
need to be held in awe and worshipped by others, seeking to escape
and denigrate moral values and standards. These people demand
forgiveness and acceptance, and are obsessed with making others
love them. They are highly manipulative and seek to overpower
others. The person embracing false self-esteem survives in a
void, stripped of any semblance of humanity, constantly holding
the dread of exposure at bay.
American society not only sanctions false
self-esteem, it encourages it. Pretended self-esteem relieves
the burden of responsibility and denies individualism, making
people good citizens—obedient and dependent. This may be
expressed as:
- Image consciousness
- Sexual advertisement and boasting
- Dependence on clichés and quotes
to express themselves, rather than relying on independent thought
- Being experts on everyone else’s
opinions, themselves having no opinions of their own
- Identity through another’s prestige
- Philanthropy and volunteerism as substitutes
for courage and self-actualization
- Selfless, unquestioning service to an
authority
- Becoming martyrs for others, accepting
adoration to fill the void
- Religiosity to the point of self-denial
Loving others often requires that we
be able to love ourselves first. However, that we may be able
to love others is not evidence of self-esteem: Some may be able
to love others but unable to love themselves, valuing others
above themselves.
Humans are the only animals that judge
themselves, that can make judgments about how to act, and then
do the opposite. We are the only species capable of disregarding
the facts of reality, of betraying our values. Because of this,
humans require an intact self-esteem to live to full potential.
We are not deterministic beings, are not passive reactors to
external influences, though much of our unconscious behavior
can be a response to present as well as past circumstances. As
conscious adults, we have free volition: Our choices determine
our self-regard, and are determined by it.
What Will Writing Do for You?
No matter how disabled you are, you can
be an inspiration and a source of knowledge to others. Writing
is the means by which you may pass on your experience and wisdom.
When you feel your freedom has been taken
from you, when your options are limited, the only thing you can
do is get freedom where you can. Writing can free you.
Writing can help you sort out and clarify
your feelings. Keeping a journal can help you progress through
the stages of depression, grief, anger, and fear. You can track
your progress in black and white. This journal can include your
feelings and experiences, and what you’ve learned about
getting along in your changed lifestyle. Maybe you’ve discovered
a way to get out of bed or walk that helps you deal with your
disability. Would someone else like to know what you’ve
discovered?
Everyone needs to be understood. Disabled
people especially need to know that their feelings and experiences
are not unique to them, that others have the same feelings of
frustration and pain. It is important for disabled people to
know they aren’t alone. Would your journal be useful to
another disabled person?
What do you know that’s special? Do you have ideas that
you could share with others? Political views? An unusual philosophy?
Interesting life observations? Recipes? Instructions on how to
do something difficult? Jokes? Write them down.
Would you like to write fiction? Stories
can be an excellent way to work through negative emotions or
escape your day-to-day reality. With fiction, you have the option
of totally immersing yourself in self-exploration, or breaking
away from reality and discovering other possibilities.
When people write stories, their minds
leave the real world temporarily and thrust them into another
existence. Fiction is a way of transcending the disability, becoming
something other than what you are. It is not only an escape,
it is a reclamation of your imagination. Imagination creates
options and choices. You can go anywhere and do anything you
want without limitations. Writing fiction can change you.
You can get as dark as you like on paper—there
are no taboos. Dark thoughts and feelings help you appreciate
the good things in life. There is no light without the darkness.
You can invent villains that act out your darkest fantasies.
What would you like to do to the non-disabled person who parks
in a handicapped spot?
You can swear, cry, scream, throw tantrums
on paper. No one gets hurt. No one else even has to know how
angry or hurt you feel. When you trap your anger and despair
on paper, you drain the energy from these negative emotions in
your real life. Because they’re on paper and you don’t
carry them around with you, they no longer have power over you.
You control the negative emotions, they do not control you.
Writing can help you discover new things
about yourself.
Writing can improve your problem-solving skills. Paint yourself
into a corner on paper: The trials of disability will become
less like trials and more like creative innovation. The more
your mind is challenged, the stronger it becomes. You will learn
to create positives from negative situations, to look for the
opportunities rather than wallow in the limitations. Writing
will make you look forward instead of backward, and help you
invent new possibilities.
If You’re Convinced You
Can’t Write . . .
If you can read this article, you can
write. It’s as simple as that. If your grammar and spelling
aren’t great, you have two options: If you intend to write
just for yourself, ignore it; if you are considering publication,
brush up on your English skills.
There are lots of good books available on grammar and spelling.
If you want to write for publication, you’ll not only need
to improve your basic English skills, but you’ll need to
study writing technique specific to the kind of writing you want
to do. Check out writing books at your library, enroll in correspondence
writing courses, or have a professional writer help you get started.
You may even want to join or start a writing group for disabled
writers!
If you want to write for self-discovery,
it doesn’t matter whether you know the rules or not. If
you can understand what you’ve written, then that’s
all you need.
Your goal is to make sense to yourself,
sort out your feelings and thoughts, and put them on paper so
you can go over them at a later time. How have your personal
views changed over time? Is there a thread of misery running
through your life that you could have done something about before
it became second nature? Your writing can show you.
You don’t have to know the names
of sentence parts, or what dangling participles or split infinitives
are. All you need are the raw basics.
What follows is a “quick and dirty”
writing lesson.
Kinds of Words
- Noun—the
name of something (chair, horse, she, Sam)
- Verb—an
action (run, was, trickle, sip)
- Adjective—describes
a noun (red, short, crooked, splendid)
- Adverb—describes
an action (quickly, deftly, sleepily, hungrily)
Punctuation
- Period—ends
a sentence at a dead stop.
- Comma—for
a short pause, like this.
- Dash—for
a longer pause—like this.
- Ellipsis—for
the longest . . . pause.
- Colon—for
separating examples: Such as this one.
- Semicolon—for
joining two sentences that are closely related; the last sentence
refers to the first.
- Double Quotes:
“This is what I am saying.”
- Single Quotes—for
quotes inside quotes. “This is what I say, but Paul says,
‘Poppycock!’ and I just don’t agree.”
Sentence Structure
Sentences must contain a noun and a verb
to be complete. In fiction it’s acceptable to use incomplete
sentences. See?
Paragraph Structure
The first sentence introduces the paragraph.
Succeeding sentences give details . The last sentence summarizes
the paragraph and leads the reader into the next paragraph.
Essay or Story Structure
The first paragraph introduces the topic.
Succeeding paragraphs give specific details on the topic. The
last paragraph summarizes the entire essay or concludes the story.
Above all, have fun. Humor is your lifeline.
Find humor not only in your writing but in your life. Humor is
the universal antidote to self-reproach, disappointment, frustration,
and despair. Humor can get you through the worst of times, and
can make the good times even better. “Nothing ever works
out for me. I’d jump off a building, except I’d just
snag my eyelid on a nail on the way down.”
Humor is especially important in dealing with others.
Being disabled means many of your relationships will change;
some may even end. Relationships will have to evolve or become
extinct.
Humor is to relationships what conservation is to
endangered species. If they are to survive, there must be an
effort on both sides. Humor can
be the catalyst and the cohesive force in your altered relationships
with others. A good laugh is worth a thousand sympathetic words. |
